Laughing In Court

After you read these little two line stories, you will probably ask yourself what does this have to do with tech, art or travel? Not a damn thing. I thought they were funny and my former boss (42 years ago) sent them to me. Richard Ekstract owned a dozen or so tech publications so there is a connection.

How do court stenographers keep a straight face?

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are  things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters  that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were  taking place.

__________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

__________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

__________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

__________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in  his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.

__________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

__________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a  new attorney?

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

__________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

__________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a  deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

__________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school  did you attend?

WITNESS: Oral.

__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you  check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,  nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Just had to boast that I got this all done in a week.

This is my grandnephew Ari. DigiDame just did an interview with him because he just completed his first theatrical stage debut.

4 thoughts on “Laughing In Court

  1. Loved your interview with Ari. He is fabulous . Has he joined the actor’s guild yet?????
    Also the courtroom transcripts are priceless. Bonnie

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